Look, I get it. Sometimes, we all need a good laugh, even if it’s at the expense of a terrible movie. But “Cocaine Bear” is so bad that even a snarky review cannot make it seem remotely entertaining. The movie’s sole selling point is a stoned bear killing people, but that novelty wears off quickly. And… it’s not funny — at all.
From the get-go, it’s evident that “Cocaine Bear” is not going to be a cinematic masterpiece. The production values are so poor that it feels like a high school film project gone wrong. The CGI bear is terrible and looks like someone is wearing something that was rented from a Halloween costume store. It’s hard to take a movie seriously when the titular character looks like it was made by a first-year film student.
The acting is no better, with even talented actors like Keri Russell and Ray Liotta delivering lackluster performances. Ray Liotta is only in the film for like 45 second so I think he just mailed this in on a half day on the set. It’s as if they were forced to act at gunpoint, with every line sounding stilted and robotic. The dialogue is incredibly awkward, and the attempts at humor fall flat. It’s hard to blame the actors for this, though – the script is so terrible that it’s a wonder the actors didn’t burst out laughing in the middle of filming.
Perhaps the biggest problem with “Cocaine Bear” is that it’s incredibly boring. The pacing is painfully slow, with the movie feeling much longer than its 95-minute runtime. I thought about walking out at least 3 times during the film. It’s hard to stay engaged when there’s nothing happening on screen, and the movie is filled with unnecessary scenes that add nothing to the plot. The characters are forgettable, and there’s no reason to care about their fates.
But let’s get to the main event — the bear attacks. As promised, the bear does indeed go around killing people, but it’s not nearly as entertaining as it sounds. The attacks are more gross than scary, and the gore feels forced. It’s as if the filmmakers were trying to shock the audience, but the shock quickly wears off. There’s only so much poorly portrayed blood and guts a person can take before it becomes just plain boring.
Director Elizabeth Banks seems to have wanted to make a so-bad-it’s-good movie, but “Cocaine Bear” is so bad that it’s just plain bad. The movie tries to be both funny and scary, but it fails miserably at both. The humor is forced and awkward, and the horror feels like a bad B-movie.
“Cocaine Bear” is a movie that’s not worth your time. I honestly would rather watch Al Gore give a lecture on carbon credits than watch this movie again. It’s poorly made, poorly acted, and poorly written. The only reason to watch it is if you’re a glutton for punishment or if you’re in the mood to make fun of a terrible movie. But even then, there are better options out there.
